What's floating in my brain at the moment

Hmmmmm . . . where to begin! I guess I am amazed at how just when you think the roller coaster of life can't get any crazier, you reach the top of the hill. I really can't believe how much is going on in the midst of normal every day life. Is that possible?

I tend to dive to deep and sometimes I am not even sure where my posts are going to go from start to finish. Maybe that is why they seem to have a mind of their own. I had a great morning at ballet. Patrick got to go and watch Sydney's last class. They put on their costumes and I am truly amazed how the simple fabric can transform a child. She was on cloud nine! I can't wait for all the fun this weekend with the recital.

On the other hand life is so complicated for me. I feel like I am just almost frozen with several relationships. I am not sure what to do, how to proceed, or even what to pray. So litterally almost all of my days lately are "give me words Lord . . . .tell me what to do next". My heart is feeling timid about what the future holds and this is one of the first times in a while that I can remember telling the Lord, "whatever you want I will follow". This in itself can pose challenges because not many things in my life feel familiar. In fact that in itself is the blessing and the challenge. How do I operate in a place that is so unfamiliar? How can you walk in blissfulness and feel on the verge of tears at the same time. That knot in my stomach is a constant reminder that I am really on the verge of breaking through one of these walls that I have placed around myself for protection for so long. The irony is (I just thought of this) that it has been so well camoflauged in my life so to speak that I didn't even really see it there. I may not be making sense at all. In fact this is another part of my delima. I feel as if I am speaking a foreign lanuage.

So, now the most pressing issue. Can I keep my mouth shut long enough for the Lord to finish what He has started? I just want so desperately to talk about what I am sensing the Lord do and I feel like I am just supposed to wait. . . . seriously! I knew that in January when He told me that my winter was ending and the beauty of spring had finally started I thought I got it. Little did I know that, like always, God has something so much more in store. Thank goodness I am not left in charge of His bigness (does that even make sense?)

So I must end here . . . I seem to writing in circles and not making much sense. All I can say with clarity is that what treasure Psalm 145 16-21 is to me:

You open you hand and saitisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the deisres of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who live him, but the wicked he will destroy.

I am such a song person. God truly speaks so clearly to me through songs. One that has truly touched me lately is the song "Savior, Please" by Josh Wilson. I love my song player, however I can't always find the song I want to play on it. So here is the chorus:

I try to be so tough, I am just not strong enough.

I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold onto me.

I try be good enough, but I am nothing without your love

Savior please, keep saving me!