Saturday, October 27, 2007

Today I choose the what I cannot see, the eternal.

A part of me died today. I wish that I could say it didn't but it did. I am now looking to God to make this into a beauty from the ashes. I have tried to understand my part in this death and why does it have to happen this way. Why does it get so hard to where you can't even lift your head so I can look to him look at me tenderly into my tear filled eyes and say,"Trust me, I still love you more than you could know." To just have to let his embrace be all the comfort I need. This is those times when I am reminded that God is enough. Even with the death of this magnitude and all the frustration that I want to take out on the person responsible, I know that my choice is easy. I have struggled with this choice many times, but I know in the end the only choice I want to make is to follow Him down the path that doesn't always make me feel better right away. This path is where I want to be and the joy that only he can fill me with will fill the void that happiness can never fill completely. I am sorry to speak so vague, in situations where honor and respect is my attempt to protect the one who destroyed part of me today.

Dreams are such wonderful things. For some reason God wants this dream to be a miracle. I have tried to do my part, I have tried to let go and wait for him, now He has asked me to do the unthinkable. Give it all to him. Give him all of my dream and not try to figure out my role in any of it. Then what hole is made from this dream is now to be filled with him. I only share this on my blogg to remind me that one day I will understand why things have to happen this way. I will be able to go to the person I just let loose on when they crushed me and apologize for the way I reacted. It will remind me to choose to look from God's eternal perspective when I struggle with feeling overwhelmed at the lack of control I have over this situation.

God will bring me through this a better person because of it. God is so much more than I ever need, that if I am still in the same situation that today presents on my death bed to choose his path will be so much more fulfilling than to make my dream come true on my own. This death will end in a resurrection that will draw all eyes towards one who made it so. I will take no credit and give all of it to him and the life transforming power only he has.

I end with what I now cling to: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,"and "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." He will be faithful of that I am sure. Thank you God for the things that draw me closer to you. You are all I ever need. You are enough for my deepest heartache, of that I am sure.

Monday, October 1, 2007

October is here!

I sit here avoiding all that I really need to do so I can take a moment to post something! I laugh at how this blog can be a metaphor for my life. I let the little things distract me from what I really want to be doing. I sat down with Jacob today after school on the couch to look at his papers from school. He loves that time, just the two of us. We read through his journal from the last month and boy was I shocked. He had so many entries that he told me about that had to do with bombs, explosions, monsters, and anything else you can imagine a boy can think of.

Sydney is such a ballerina! She really loves ballet and I hate it that I can't watch her every move. She is so good following instructions for others, maybe she is learning something at home! :) Savannah has finally gotten two bottom teeth. Just in time for her 6 month pictures. I could not be a prouder mama. We are blessed, my beloved (Yes that is you, Pat)and I! (Now I sound like Beth Moore! :) )

Last week was a rough one. It is like you think you can get into a good grove with the kids, life, each other and bam . . . the tire blows up throwing your rhythm all out of wack. No, I didn't have a real tire problem, but our family car (so to speak)had some tough swerves that we amamzingly endured. I have a friend who has mentioned how some times it is hard to feel like life is hard when really your life is good, by most standards: healthy and basic needs are being met. So by no means are these issues heartbreaking for the casual observer, but the are to me and I thank God that He understands and doesn't minimize this pain that I expereince. Anyway, God has shown me that even when my present situation seems like a twirling tornado and I have no idea how it started, I just recenter myself. Not on myself but on the one who brings balance and hope to my broken heart even when it is just to receive comfort while I endure another mountain of life. God reminds me of what is real, what is true, and what really matters even when the enemy (boy he is a vicious one) wants to cut me down to a stump using the one I love most on this earth. Thank you Lord for being my center.

So, it wasn't what I really planned on sharing but so much of my life is not always the photographical moments that make for great storytelling. My life is the best life I have to live and experiecne and God is swelling up in me so grand that I almost spew on anyone close enough to listen, in a good way of course. Would that be a Tammism, "Captivating" Gang?

How can you not wake up and see the beauty of the sunrise and not know that there is someone who painted that for you to turn your eyes toward Him and feel the complete and perfect love He has for YOU (and ME)?

Last thought: My youngest is getting dedicated this Sunday, meaning Patrick and I are giving her back to God so to speak. We are making a public statment that she is ours to raise and teach in the ways of God. What an overwhelming charge, thank goodness it is not meant to be done in my own strength. I am so thankful for my own family and the things that they raised me in, how exciting to know they passed the baton onto me and one day will do the same. Better still I will have my parents, my brothers and their families, and my grandmother there to celebrate this sobering day. Of course, there will be pictures to post of that moment.

May the Lord bless you as you read this as He has me in remembering is ever present hand in my life, Tammy in Abilene.