Today I choose the what I cannot see, the eternal.

A part of me died today. I wish that I could say it didn't but it did. I am now looking to God to make this into a beauty from the ashes. I have tried to understand my part in this death and why does it have to happen this way. Why does it get so hard to where you can't even lift your head so I can look to him look at me tenderly into my tear filled eyes and say,"Trust me, I still love you more than you could know." To just have to let his embrace be all the comfort I need. This is those times when I am reminded that God is enough. Even with the death of this magnitude and all the frustration that I want to take out on the person responsible, I know that my choice is easy. I have struggled with this choice many times, but I know in the end the only choice I want to make is to follow Him down the path that doesn't always make me feel better right away. This path is where I want to be and the joy that only he can fill me with will fill the void that happiness can never fill completely. I am sorry to speak so vague, in situations where honor and respect is my attempt to protect the one who destroyed part of me today.

Dreams are such wonderful things. For some reason God wants this dream to be a miracle. I have tried to do my part, I have tried to let go and wait for him, now He has asked me to do the unthinkable. Give it all to him. Give him all of my dream and not try to figure out my role in any of it. Then what hole is made from this dream is now to be filled with him. I only share this on my blogg to remind me that one day I will understand why things have to happen this way. I will be able to go to the person I just let loose on when they crushed me and apologize for the way I reacted. It will remind me to choose to look from God's eternal perspective when I struggle with feeling overwhelmed at the lack of control I have over this situation.

God will bring me through this a better person because of it. God is so much more than I ever need, that if I am still in the same situation that today presents on my death bed to choose his path will be so much more fulfilling than to make my dream come true on my own. This death will end in a resurrection that will draw all eyes towards one who made it so. I will take no credit and give all of it to him and the life transforming power only he has.

I end with what I now cling to: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,"and "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." He will be faithful of that I am sure. Thank you God for the things that draw me closer to you. You are all I ever need. You are enough for my deepest heartache, of that I am sure.

October is here!

I sit here avoiding all that I really need to do so I can take a moment to post something! I laugh at how this blog can be a metaphor for my life. I let the little things distract me from what I really want to be doing. I sat down with Jacob today after school on the couch to look at his papers from school. He loves that time, just the two of us. We read through his journal from the last month and boy was I shocked. He had so many entries that he told me about that had to do with bombs, explosions, monsters, and anything else you can imagine a boy can think of.

Sydney is such a ballerina! She really loves ballet and I hate it that I can't watch her every move. She is so good following instructions for others, maybe she is learning something at home! :) Savannah has finally gotten two bottom teeth. Just in time for her 6 month pictures. I could not be a prouder mama. We are blessed, my beloved (Yes that is you, Pat)and I! (Now I sound like Beth Moore! :) )

Last week was a rough one. It is like you think you can get into a good grove with the kids, life, each other and bam . . . the tire blows up throwing your rhythm all out of wack. No, I didn't have a real tire problem, but our family car (so to speak)had some tough swerves that we amamzingly endured. I have a friend who has mentioned how some times it is hard to feel like life is hard when really your life is good, by most standards: healthy and basic needs are being met. So by no means are these issues heartbreaking for the casual observer, but the are to me and I thank God that He understands and doesn't minimize this pain that I expereince. Anyway, God has shown me that even when my present situation seems like a twirling tornado and I have no idea how it started, I just recenter myself. Not on myself but on the one who brings balance and hope to my broken heart even when it is just to receive comfort while I endure another mountain of life. God reminds me of what is real, what is true, and what really matters even when the enemy (boy he is a vicious one) wants to cut me down to a stump using the one I love most on this earth. Thank you Lord for being my center.

So, it wasn't what I really planned on sharing but so much of my life is not always the photographical moments that make for great storytelling. My life is the best life I have to live and experiecne and God is swelling up in me so grand that I almost spew on anyone close enough to listen, in a good way of course. Would that be a Tammism, "Captivating" Gang?

How can you not wake up and see the beauty of the sunrise and not know that there is someone who painted that for you to turn your eyes toward Him and feel the complete and perfect love He has for YOU (and ME)?

Last thought: My youngest is getting dedicated this Sunday, meaning Patrick and I are giving her back to God so to speak. We are making a public statment that she is ours to raise and teach in the ways of God. What an overwhelming charge, thank goodness it is not meant to be done in my own strength. I am so thankful for my own family and the things that they raised me in, how exciting to know they passed the baton onto me and one day will do the same. Better still I will have my parents, my brothers and their families, and my grandmother there to celebrate this sobering day. Of course, there will be pictures to post of that moment.

May the Lord bless you as you read this as He has me in remembering is ever present hand in my life, Tammy in Abilene.

Whew . . . See my grin?

I love to make entries often and then I don't have as much to share since the last post. We got to go visit my in-laws in Bryan this weekend. It started off as a reunion trip for Pat's outfit in the corp, but turned into a trip to see his brother. It is always fun to get together with Ken and Anne and their two kids, Jayson and Sophie. By the end of the weekend Sydney had no problem talking to her "Uncle Ken","Aunt Anne", Jayson and "Soph". We had great food, fun at the pre-game stuff, and a neat commisioning service for the worship leader at their church.

I love going to visit, the trip down is filled with excitement and wonder over what we will do. The ride home is so long and full of dread going back to a life that hasn't stopped while you were gone for three days. So I am still trying to get laundry, food, dishes, and such to get back to pre-trip days and behave like I know they can. Another crazy part of life is that this MOPS group I am a part of is about to get started and boy are there lots of details. I think it will be a great year.

Tonight I got to help get a float ready for the West Texas Fair and Rodeo parade. They boast it being one of the biggest of its kind. We have a flatbed trailer filled with playground equipment and sand boxes. I'll post pictures later. Anyway, just hanging out with those gals just make me happy. In fact on the way over their I realized how truly blessed I am.

It has been a struggle for me to really get to a place where I am happy with the relationships I have closest to me. In fact that I have the friendships I have, truly amazes me. I love that people know the me that isn't always happy, or dressed to the nines (like that ever happens) and they seem to enjoy me anyway. One of my sweet friends mentioned that she knew my warts (my common way to describe those less than perfect parts) and liked me anyway. I love that God has shown me who I am, and while I won't ever strive to be a better person or have a deeper relationship with Christ I am truly okay with me! What a freeing thought to know that I am known, truly known by people and I have not been abanonded. My greatest fear, now exposed for what it is a lie. I will never be abandoned by God and people like me without my bells and whistles.

I also can just look at the family picture I am posting and it doesn't even take a millisecond for a huge grin and a full heart to consume me. I love my kids and more importantly I am in love with my husband and father to my kids. We have always loved each other, but I am definetly in love with him more today than I have ever been. I have learned that even when I want to strangle that round little (big for those that really know him) head of his, there is nothing I want more for things to be right between us. I have arrived to that cliche period in marriage where I think I am almost too sappy for me. But I digress, He is a great man who is more patient with me than I will ever deserve and seems to spend a great deal of time making things easier for me. Albeit they have to do with music, computers, networking and wireless connections but boy do I noticed how spoiled I have been when I have to go without some of the conviences he has afforded me. :)

I haven't even touched on new school memories, new soccer tales, or my baby girl's new milestones. I guess that will be for another post. I have to go to bed so I can pull my girlies in a wagon in the parade. What fun we will have in Abilene tomorrow. I get to be a soccer mom for the first time. I hope I don't embarass myself! :)

A Week of Firsts

I can't believe how much can physically happen in one week! (Actually less than a week.) I am sitting here at my computer realizeing Jacob is at his third day of kindergarten and it still feels so sureal. I wish I could be a fly on the wall and watch him experience so many first with him. It almost reminds me of when he first smiled, first looked to the right or left, first time he opened his mouth . . . there was no way to take it all in. So I will just absorb as much with him as I can and the rest will come out later in his own time . . . hopefully not therapy! :) Sydney was so disappointed she couldn't go to her own school. We had plenty to do that day though! We had a MOPS meeting, then playing and lunch at the mall with her friends Aspen and Lily, and lastly playing at the Gymnastics Sports Center with more MOPS friends Keeli, Ruby, Cameron . . .too many to remember. On Tuesday I helped out at Sydney and Savannah's school and then we went swimming with our friends before soccer practice. You can see Sydeny chasing Lily at the pool. They are so funny to watch together. We started this tradition of laying on a pool chair to dry off before we leave. I had to include the one of Natalie and Jacob. Too cute are those big five year olds who sometimes think they had a attitude of one who is much older! :)

Jacob had a great first day. In fact he struggled with finding time to go to the restroom on his first day. Daddy gets to take him to school. Pat even took some photos for me, how sweet. He loves all the centers and the fact that they get to go to centers with friends and choose where he goes. I was telling him that he would have so much fun at school today and he said "Yes, because I don't have to take as long of nap at school." Have I warped him or what? :) He actullay has a friend on his soccer team that also is in his class.

The other first for him this week was his first soccer practice. It starts really late for what we are used to . . . not until seven. So Savannah eats around eight and that is bed time for the older kids we were going to have some conflict with time management. Pat said he would take Jacob to practice and I could take care of the girls. I just wanted to go for a minute to watch and take some pictures and then leave. Well, I had so much fun watching that I stayed the whole time. I love seeing him have a good time! It was so fun to watch Patrick working with him and helping him learn how to play soccerr. Mainly he had to keep telling Jacob to stop talking and pay attention to the coach. (Did he get that from me?) Syndey did not have as much fun and was ready to go before it was time. She managed to entertain herself pretty creatively! See the photo of her in the basket of the stroller! :) She loves to pick grass and leaves up while she waits. She also loved to be held by her daddy. She was so disappointed that she didn't have soccer shoes and told me she did not want to do ballet instead. I am glad I didn't know this before I signed her up for ballet! I am sure it was more of a comment made our of want she wanted to do at that moment. Of course she did not mind riding home with daddy and Jacob from practice. Now you know I had to include and action shot of Jake and his team running in for a water break . . . do you see the tounge?

Lastly to me sweet Savannah. She is such a dear. She has learned to roll over onto her tummy and gets mad when she can't roll back. She loves to laugh at her big brother when he blows raspeberries on her tummy and she just leaned back and started to show signs of holding her hands up to be held. I love being a mommy to all three of my kids! I am just amazed at how I get to be a part of their lives each and everyday. Especially how God saw fit for this to be a part of my life. I know I am not the best mom and may never win an award, but I try each and everyday to make sure my kids know I love them. They seem to know, but it never hurts to say it too much!

Now to the least mentioned one on this blog, my husband. He is just amazing and I am in awe of how talented he is. He just started playing again in worship band at church for the children's service and I am just tickled. He has done so great managing his private practice and our family that I know he must love us something terrible to do so much for us each and everyday he goes to work. He is constantly working on ways to show me how much he loves me that I look forward to the next time I get to see him and just be with him. I am looking forward to our Tuesday lunch dates once the girls start back to school next week. I am one blessed woman!

I'm a Suvivor, Not gonna give up . . .

Okay, I really don't listen to Beyonce' (is that how you spell her name?) But I love that song that Destiny's Child sings and it is quit fitting for this post. I just completed a three day journey with three of my friends, in three different vehicles, with eight kids under the age of 5, and two teenage girls to help out.

Man that makes me tired just thinking about it. We decided on a spur of the moment to go to the river for a "fun" trip with our kids during the work week. Boy, fun can't describe it. I have gotten to know these gals over the last few months really well. I have know two for longer, but we have just recently had the opportunity to figure out we really like each other :) Seriously, they have become some really special people to me. Therefore what is the next phase on a journey of friendship? Road trip!

We got to just hang out, point out the funny things about our personality and feed our children lots of sugar. I think my favorite part of the trip was just all the talking we did. We stayed up too late, and share lots of fun memories, laughs, and even some frustrations about different things. It is amazing how much you can share after the kids go to bed. I look forward to many more fun memories with these gals.

Now to the true story that didn't make even the slightest difference in our view of the trip overall. We leave Abilene a little behind schedule, because I was running late. We barely get out of the Abilene area when my vehicle has to stop because Syndey needs to go to the bathroom. We make it about another fifteen mintues or so and I literally have to pull over to the side of the two-laned highway to untangle my daughter's hair from her blue finger. That's my Syd! The rest of the trip up to Junction is uneventful and even almost to San Antonio, but then there is 5 o'clock traffic to contend with. I think that was when the four adults, I mean eight kids really got rambunctous. Chick-fil-a saved the day with face painting and good food. After running themselves ragged, the last of the kids went to sleep around 11:00 p.m.

Wednesday. On the way to Schlitterbaun, a vehicle loses battery power and we are stuck in the middle of the driveway entrance to Taco Bell with a dead Excurions, a suburban, Taurus, and one crazy looking lady (that's me . . .my cover-up was for the pool not the side of the highway)in a blue cover up with most of her post-partum body exposed to all who were driving down the major loop in New Braunfels. Thanks to a nice guy helping us get a jump, we decide to press on to the water park. We came out to find a window out (only down thank goodness and nothing missiong) on one of the vehicles. But my brother called to check on us and ask if we needed any help, how sweet!

Okay, so for the most part we really were doing well. Nothing had thwarted our joyful vacation. I decided to make one last bathroom break before I left and as I was departing the toilet area my brand new Mogul phone dropped. . . you guessed it in the potty. No phone for our long journey home. Then one of my friends accidently locked her keys in the trunk and we had to wait for a lock smith to come. No problem. Two blocks from the house, we remember we left a baby gate at the house. No spirits dampened yet! We decided to take a more well traveled route in case the car had any more problems on our journey. Well, that turned out to be another memory in the making. By the way did I mention a hurricane had landed in the area dropping an enormous amount of rain in the area? Any way :) an accident had closed this highway down. While we were trying to decide what to do I decided to begin to catch all the rain water that was entering my vehicle because we still hadn't remembered to fix the leak in the windsheild that we only notice when it rains. I had three drips going pretty steady and filled up about a 1/4 inch of my cup. What fun entertainment!

We turn around go back the way we came and really did pretty well until in Boerne I asked my children if they needed to go to the bathroom and of course no one did until about 30 minutes later when there was absolutely no bathroom, no bridge, nothing but the hurricane rain! Fortunatley I was able to use my friend's umbrella to keep us dry while I hoisted my daughter over the grass to go potty. Fortunately she only peed down one leg of mine! :) So . . . we make it home after 8 hours on a four hour trip and I get everyone dropped off just in time for the bottom to let out in Abilene. Pat thankfully gets us all in fairly dry . . . . and then there is a boil water notice due to low levels of chlorine in the water supply.

No problem. I'll just go to the store in the morning in the pouring rain with my three kids. I came out of the store to get back to the car for my battery not to start. Oh, wait no phone because of the toliet water. But wait! I now know how to jump a car from Wednesdays fun and the man sitting in his car next to me was waiting on his sister and said he would help. God was smiling at me as I learned to take these unexpected events, however I wish I always responded this way! By the way, when I got home I forgot to put the car in park and almost opened a new way through our french doors! Jacob asked me why he almost crashed into the house . . . what will people think! :)

One thing I mentioned to the precious, sweet teenage girls that rode in my car on this trip was that to only focus on the destination means you miss so much along the way. We really soaked in all that we experienced and found, that it made us laugh more than anything else, how much we really can put up with along our journey.

Now that I have barely scratched the surface of what those precious three days meant to four MOPS (mother of preschoolers) and their kids. We are already looking forward to our next trip. I hope to have more memories with people who know me for who I am and still want to be around me, even when they literally have a hard time understanding what words come out of my mouth . . . oh, wait I think that might be most people! :)

God Smiled Tonight!!

Sydney is almost three and I am not sure which way we are going from day to day. The crazy thing is how much she can change so much in a day. We pretty much started the day off in a typical fashion. She came in to greet us with a sleepy eyes and no panties or pajamas. Patrick asked if she wet the bed, as if we couldn't tell, and she said she had an accident. So I told her to get dressed before she joined us in bed. I love mornings with my kids. Since I don't drink coffee, they are my morning wake me up (sometimes mentally AND physically).

After Pat left for work, the fun began. She got curious and destructive. She had time out. She got the chair as her ladder and discovered some hidden stickers. Later she was warned about using the chair as a ladder and then used it again to get some food(she didn't like the consquences for using the chair again). After getting to stick with me, literaly, she fell asleep in my bed while I worked on some projects on my computer.

Most of the afternoon went smoothly from what I thought, she watched the Nutcracker in her tutu and ballerina shoes. Daddy came home we ate dinner, more about that in a minute, and she went to bed early because she wouldn't eat her dinner. I found out later why. So, with not too much noise in her bed, I decided to pick up and get ready for bed.

I am glad at dinner tonight told her it was her turn to pray before we ate. This is when God smiled. She said the most wonderful, sweet soft sopken words that just melt my heart when she prayed. I don't understand anything but "food" and "morning", but the Lord did and if he had one ounce of the joy I did hearing her earnest prayer, he was pretty stoked (as my friend Gwen would say).

SO, when I went to get ready for bed I found out why she smelled so clean tonight. She helped herself to put on some of my laundry detergent. Sydney also wasn't eating at dinner tonight because since she has learned to open the refridgerator, she helped herself to several cheese slices and who know what else when all was going "smoothly". Then to top it off, what I thought was peacful sleep in her bed ended up being peacefully asleep on the couch.

I didn't mean for this to be so long. But it is crazy how hard it seems she works to drive me to a looney bin at an eary age :), I still love her more and more everyday! I love how she is such an affectionate child . . . even when she kisses Savannah a little too long. She loves to know what is wrong when you are upset and loves to have you "Hold You". I know God has great plans for this princess of His and I am praying dearly that I will be a positve encourager even when her surface behavior gives me a few extra gray hairs.

Where's the maid? Why can't I remember?

I was just about to head to my room for a little blogging, when I realized that the dishes from dinner were still out. Not just out, but I tend to cook, destroy, and leave it ALL over the place. One of the problems with trying a new recipe.

Anyway, it got me thinking. Why is it when I work hard at something I want some one to come clean it up for me at 32? I started to go into a poor me, my husband has worked hard all day and won't come home to clean up after me conversation with myself. As I tried to not let the petty annoyance of having to clean up my mess, I realized how silly I can be sometimes. I really had fun cooking with my kids and trying out this new recipe. By the way, I threw out the last chicken burger and I think I ate more than all three of the other eaters in my family combined. We don't particularly care for Cumin, but the guacamole was good though.


I almost went to bed looking at what didn't happen for me instead of what great things did. That is why I am blogging. In Joshua, God told the Israelites to build a place of remembrance so that when the kids asked about it at a later time, they could tell them about God's faithfulness in bringing them across the Jordan River (you'll have to verify the exact facts . . . my memory is foggy). I read somewhere that the most used command in the Bible is to remember. I want to remember what God has done instead of what I didn't get. I hope and pray that it will affect my children's attitude as well.

I have been trying to do better at mealtimes, introducing healthier choices and making the dinner table the main place to eat rather than the car (I know I am bad . . . but working on it). I asked Sydney to pray for our meal (Pat was still at work) rather than ask if she wanted to and she told me her mouth was broken. So I asked Jacob to and he did. So sweet. In fact tonight they both prayed simultaneously at mealtime. Jacob about protecting us while we slept and I couldn't understand Sydney's.

I digress. I am truly blessed. Even though my husband doesn't wait on me hand and foot, although my family might disagree, and my children don't always mind my life is good. God and I will still have the persistent conversation about a particular subject changing, but I know when it comes to what matters I need to remember more often.

P.S. The pictures were just for fun and had nothing to do with this post! Jake loves holdin Savannah's hand, Sydney loves to dress up especially like a ballerina (all the time no joke, even to bed) and the kids absolutely love to love on their little sister who looks just like her daddy!

Jacob's New Adventure

It's done. I have committed and I can't believe the journey we are about to embark on. Okay, so I am being a little overdramatic. Jacob is officially signed up for soccer. We asked him if he wanted to play and he told me, "But Mom, I don't know how to play!" It wasn't until I showed him a video clip on the internet of a soccer match that he realized he did want to play. He asked Patrick if he could have a yellow shirt and Patrick told him he would have to wait for the coach to decide. He was ready to start playing today. On the technical aspect I am weary of a game every Saturday, but I think Jake will enjoy it along with his first year of school. I am sure I will have many stories to share in the future. I included this pic of him in all his glory of a superhero at Six Flags. He is truly fearless so I am sure he will have a great time at this new adventure. More to come later!

Is July Over Already?

Is it bad that I wait to post on my blog until I have my pictures ready? My husband finally got this where I have access to it and this is a perfect example of my future! My son is "cheesing" his face into a wild contortion, Sydney is smiling but what she is looking at I'll never know, and Savannah can't tell a human from a wall (only because she hasn't reached that development yet). Inspite of that they make a great photo, don't you think?

It has been a whirlwind of a month and I am not even sure why. Between trips to the river, trips to the pool, and trips all around Abilene summer will be over before I know it. It has been good though. I have had the honor of teaching 12 wonderful children about the Lord for six short weeks. My Belarusians have left and I have been pondering the impact they have on me when they visit for such a short time. I am amazed that they have so easily allowed us to love on them and each year it gets better and better. I always feel like I could have shared more with them on how to trust God in such a dark place, but I know utimately that what I share has little to do with what God opens their eyes to. I pray that it is how deep, how wide, how high is the love He has for them (that reminds me of a Wes King song, oh and a verse in a book called Romans). It was a sad day to send them home on the 20th, because some go to a children's home with no family to hug them each night and remind them of the great things that make them who they are.

To close out the month, my friend and our five kids headed to NRH20 for a day of fun. As we drove the three hours it took us in her fully loaded (with children) suburban, I joked with her that we were crazy to go without our husbands. But, we prevailed! Thanks to some help from my mom we were able to have a great day. Sydney told her dad that we went to the swimming park and saw the ocean! She had a great time as did Jacob! Savannah enjoyed her one on one time with Grandma and I had a blast making some fun memories with a great friend and her kids. What will August hold? In some ways it is an adventure each day to see what it will bring. I wish that I could always view it that way.

We had this increidble lady named Shampa Rice (I think) come and speak to our church about rest. It spoke to me that I don't not do anything enough(yes that is how it is supposed to read), especially with my kids. It is so easy to go and do, and boy like today that is all we did! But how often do I just "be" with them and have no agenda, no mission to accomplish. As it is with my time witht the Lord. How often am I remided of how I act like a child with my God. What patience He has with me! May God show you of His great love for you as He does so often through out each day for me!

Savannah Smiles

Well, my baby girl is finally laughing at my weak and futile attempts to make her giggle. I was kissing her ear and she would just let out this gutteral sound that even entertained her daddy for a moment. Of course as soon as we get the video camera out, all she wants to do is talk.

Sydney and Jake survived another day stuck indoors because of the rain, and I survived too! we bought this little house like tent for them to enjoy and I think they would have moved their beds in with them if I would have let them. I knew they would have fun pretending, just not how much. Maybe the pool will call our name tomorrow.

We are in the process of saving up to buy ourselves and newer car. It is so much fun as we get closer to our goal, but I must admit when I see one that is in the end price range I want to go and pick it up yesterday. A little premature I know, but I am so excited to see that the car I want and have been having many a conversations with the Lord about is going to be out there and ready. It is really werid since we are doing the car payment before actually buying the car to not really have to worry about financing. Oh, how tempting the financing is for me. I think about my babies and realize it so worth the wait. Who knows, we may just get to go visit our family when checking out our future car. It is nice to have family in so many different cities.

Welcome

I have a geat friend who has a blog for her family, so I thought I might try my hand at this for our family . . . or maybe my sanity. I just got a video camera for my birthday and thought this might be a great place to post, but it may not even work. I'll have to ask my computer geek (Patrick)the low down.

It is the second full week of July, I have three kids and life seems to be full of action. I hate that this recent rainy weather has gotten me into crazy mommy mode, but I seem to be slowly recovering. We finally got to go swimming today and low and behold my J-Dog can jump off the diving board and swim to the side (like a little lab dog) all by himself. I was such a proud momma bear. Sydney did her own amazing trick by jumping off the ladder step two inches into the water. Such a huge accomplishment since a few weeks ago she wouldn't let go of me in the pool to save her life.

Savannah continues to make my heart flutter. She really is into the sound of my voice and it can make her smile so big, my day is almost complete. She loves to be held and I must admit I really don't mind holding her. It gives me a moment to stop and not be so consumed with the going ons of life.

If anything having Savannah has showed me how much I love being a mom. I am so blessed to be at home to really invest in their lives. I can't imagine doing anything else.