Mexico

Just spent the last four days at Reynosa, Mexico. What a trip! The last time I went was when Jacob was 2 1/2 and Sydney was 4 months old. It was a great trip, yet hard at times and not for reasons I expected.

The trip down was pretty uneventful. The kids did great and we made great time. Once we crossed the border all the memories of five years prior flooded back. Right before we had Jacob I was praying that God would allow us to move down there to work and live. I wanted to be a part of what he was doing and sad when I knew that God had different plans for us. To be back in that place opened up much discussion between the Lord and I. I was surprised once again how going back to a familiar place while being a completely different person is a lot of work. I fought most of the time trying not to revert back to the person I was more than five years ago. The one in bondage and fear of what man thought of me, what God thought of me, not measuring up to what I thought I should be and feeling like a failure most of the time because I really didn't grasp who I was in Christ. I could go into more detail, but at that time I think be used in Mexico was my desperate cry for the Lord to make me feel like I mattered. Being used in something noble(Mexican Children's home)=significance.

The funny thing about when you change, sometimes the situations you leave stay the same . . . from your perspective. I am not even really talking about where I went, but in my mind the battle was could I choose not resort to old familiar behavior in and old familiar place. The result . . . I stayed me. I took opportunities to carry old burdens and walked away because it was not mine to bear. With that being said, I viewed all around me differently. I was able to enjoy those friendships at the place they were. No regret or guilt dictated my actions, just the genuine care I have for those at the children's home.

My oh my how those kids have grown. The program they did for us moved me in such a way I don't think that I have words for. I know that in some ways I am just one of many Americans who came to visit, but in my heart it was so exciting to see how they have matured and grown in ways I pray will carry them into their future. They seem to believe what matters most and that will be what will give them hope in any situation.

Ironic, I just went to see good friends and let my kids see another way that some live. I didn't know that the Lord would show me more of who He sees in me. Now if I can just process it and continue to move forward. But I guess sometimes that is how life goes . . . two steps forward and three back. I won't worry until there are is no stepping forward. God is good all the time!