Friday, April 23, 2010

Just some thoughts . . .

What a week it has been. I had some great things go on . . . the kids did great in a worship service at church and we survived all the rehersals. I got to go on a field trip with Sydney to the zoo. Unfortunately in the midst of these great and everyday events in our family, we are suffering through a loss. The hardest part is that as a family it is really taking a toll on us.

I have been blessed I guess not to have suffered losses on this level very frequently and I am honestly not sure what to do with how I feel. What to say, how to respond, taking in others' feelings into account as it is not just me who is grieving.

I'll have to admit I was really angry last night at the situation. I probably acted out in a selfish way, event though I tried not to. Angry that the enemy seeks to destroy us and will use whatever means necessary to take us out. I know what is like to not be sure what is the Truth and what are lies meant to take us out. I tried so hard to not respond in that anger and I feel like I failed. I just wanted to let the person who hurt us so to know I knew what had happened and the choices made affected so much more than could be known.

So as I tried to go to bed last night I just cried out to the Lord for grace. Grace to understand that bad things happen and I am not going to be able to always fix the problem. Grace for the one who caused this pain, as I can only imagine the pain they must feel to make said choices. Grace for myself to grieve through this in a healthy way and let it grow my famiy closer as we ralley around our loved ones.

They don't give manuals on how to handle situations like this and I just am so grateful that I have a loving Father who hurts with me, holds my hands and those who are hurting as we walk down this path of life together. My prayer is that this opportunity is not wasted and we all press into the One who know us best to receive all He has for us.

I hate that words really can't express what I feel or bring comfort as they come out. All I can do in these times is lay everything I am at the Father's feet and let Him comfort me. He was faithful to remind me that He is there through a few Psalms. Psalm 121 and 23 remind me that my help comes from Him alone and I can choose to let His comfort be enough or risk walking out of what will really be the balm that heals.

Life is hard. It is in these times that my prayer is for Him to come quickly so no more tears have to fall. May God bring comfort to my family. May they know that He is a breath away and ready to love them through this. May they see that He is more than a distant creator and may they see He loves them more than any of us could comprehend.

My prayer is that God would grant me wisdom to love those who have hurt me and not forget how many times I have hurt those who love me as well. May the grace I have received be freely given not because of what is deserved, but because my Savior did so much more on the cross to forgive me of what was not deserved. May I look back and see how this pain and grief was used to reveal the glory of God in a way I am too close to see right now. This was not His will or plan, but He will make all things work together for those who love Him.