Saturday, March 27, 2010

I am still reeling . . .

I will post pictures galore from my incredible trip that I just got home from later, but I wanted to share some thoughts I have been chewing on all week since I got home from Israel:

-I am sentimental. Never realized just how much until the simple thought of something could send me into an emotional breakdown. Granted it was probably a lot of tiredness thrown in, but it has really shocked me. For example, I was at a playdate and a buddy from the trip popped in to exchange something . . . and I almost had to leave the place because I was overcome with emotion! I was just heart sick the rest of the morning.

-I desire more than anything to be a part of what God is doing. The problem I have is sometimes I am so busy looking for where He might be that I miss Him altogether. I am struggling just being a wife and mom these days and I feel like I am in constant dialogue with God about His timing. He has been so sweet to encourage me an let me know I am doing what I should . . . but can I be honest? Sometime is is definitely lacking in the glamourous! But that is when the Lord gentley reminds me that I am in the planting part of the growing season and I will not see the fruit of my labor until a much later date . . if ever. I choose to be okay with that, but I must confess the struggle is still there at times.

-I realized on this trip I just took, that while I love to be the center of attention, the one who entertains . . . I desire that deep intimate conversation just as much as the laughter and lighter moments. That may be the way we all are, but I realized that sometimes making others laugh and have fun can be isolating because it is hard to take the jokester as serious. I am thankful that God place such a wonderful gal as my roomate on the trip so I could have both. She will never know how precious those nightly conversations were to me even if I tried to tell her.

-We may learn to loose the baggage in our life that robs us of the freedom Christ died for, but the enemy is smart to sit it in our path so we may be tempted to pick it up again. Darn that enemy! I get so frustrated when I seek the familar even if it leads me back into the bondage I have been set free from. I am so thankful that the Lord is so patient with me to show me where I seem to be lacking in faith and taking control of the things I just laid at His feet. Never chiding, but reminding me of what my heart truly desires. When He puts it back into perspective, life becomes so much simpler!

-I doubt my faith at times. But I have realized that this should not bring shame to my heart, but amazement. I am the one Lord showed me His truth, His grace, His salvation! Thanks to a wise man who pointed this out on my trip, that too would have brought me shame. Now I can't believe that my eyes have been opened, my heart freed, my life's purpose to love and know Him more an more . . . I'll never understand why me but it will not weigh me down again. My heart longs for those around me to know this love and let go of the religion, but once again it is like describing a sunset.

So I guess I end here. I am amazed. Amazed that I was beyond priviledged to be a part of something so much bigger than I could have even imagined. Now to live out what I have learned in my day to day life. God is so good, such a kind and gentle teacher that I have no fear He does give His children the very best gifts!

P.S. Not sure if a lick of what I wrote makes sense, but eh . . . know that the wheels are turnng up in my head. If nothing else you can be encouraged that the God of Abraham is just as amazing to me 4000 years later!